Judith Viorst: Exercising Options

I've been told that the vigorous moving-about of my body
Could discourage all ills from loose flesh to a heart attack.
But there isn't a fitness routine
That strikes me as anything less than obscene, so
I float on my back.

I respect those brave ladies who're burning their flab off with Fonda.
They still wear bikinis. I long ago switched to a sack.
But my horror of thickening thighs
Is surpassed by my horror of exercise, so
I float on my back.

I admire all those stalwarts out jogging in blizzards and heat waves
But if I want torture, I'd just as soon head for the rack.
Let my upper arms droop, I aspire
To no exertion that makes me perspire, so
I float on my back.

And I know that I richly desere the whole world's condemnation
For the firmness that both my torso and character lack.
Yes, my body's a total disgrace
But there is this big happy smile on my face as
I float on my back.