Kristine Batey: How to Sing the Blues

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2."I got a good woman" is a bad way to
begin the blues, unless you stick something
nasty in the next line: "I got a good woman
 — with the meanest dog in town."

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first
line right, repeat it. Then find something
that rhymes. Sort of.
"Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds."  

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs.
Other acceptable blues transportation is
the Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Walkin' plays a major part in the
blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults
sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old
enough to get the electric chair if you
shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City,
but not in Brooklyn or Queens.
Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are
just a depression.
Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still
the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
            a. violet
            b. beige
            c. mauve

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a
shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the blues:
            a. the highway
            b. the jailhouse
            c. the empty bed
      Bad places:
            a. ashrams
            b. gallery openings
            c. weekend in the Hamptons

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you
wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old
black man.
             
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
    Yes, if:
            a. your first name is a southern state—
            like Georgia
            b. you're blind
            c. you shot a man in Memphis
            d. you can't be satisfied
    No, if:
            a. you were once blind but now can see
            b. you're deaf
            c. you have a trust fund

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand
can sing the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your baby gives you
gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
            a. wine
            b. Irish whiskey
            c. muddy water
   Blues beverages are NOT:
            a. any mixed drink
            b. any wine kosher for Passover
            c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or shotgun shack,
it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous
lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair,
substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an
emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die
during a liposuction treatment.