Hal Sirowitz: We were putting on a show

I was kissing your neck in the park.

You said the couple sitting across from us

was watching the whole time. But they

definitely weren't learning anything. They kept

sitting there not touching, with their arms folded.

Hal Sirowitz: No Explanation Needed

I don't have to give you a reason,

Mother said. If I say you can't 

go outside after dinner, then you can't.

A policeman has to tell you why he's

giving you a ticket. But I don't have

to give you any explanations for my actions.

It's one of the perks of my job,

& I see no reason for changing it. But

if you cleaned your room, like you

promised me you would, not only

would you understand why I'm punishing you,

you'd also be able to go outside.

Hal Sirowitz: The Last Days

We know you don't think we're good parents,

Mother said. You blame us for whatever goes wrong

in your life. But we're the best scapegoats

you're ever going to have. Your wife

won't be as obliging. Don't you realize

if you blame her, she'll blame you?

Then what are you going to do, get a divorce?

If you do, don't think you can come back

& live with us. We're not that stupid.

Once we get rid of you, it'll be for keeps.

Of course we'll let you visit. If

the weather is bad that night, you can sleep over.

But in the morning you'll have to go.

Hal Sirowitz: Getting Through to Your Therapist

Your therapist is always going to take
your side, Mother said, because you're

her patient. So if I wanted my side

to be heard, I'd have to get my own therapist.

Then my therapist could call yours

& tell her my complaints about you.

I heard doctors listen to one another

more than they listen to ordinary people.

But I couldn't afford to do that,

because we've already been paying for yours.

Hal Sirowitz: Subject Matter

The reason you don't have much
to talk about, my therapist said, is
because you"re not doing anything. If I
stayed in my room all day, I'd have
nothing to talk about, either. You should
go to a dance, & even if you don't meet anyone,
you can at least describe to me what it was like,
which I'd find interesting, because I don't
go out anymore. I'm not trying to sway you.
If you insist on talking about nothing,
I'd still listen, but I'm convinced you'll be
much happier if you had something to talk about.

Hal Sirowitz: Touching Bottom

When you go swimming, don't go out so far,
where you can't touch bottom, Father said.
It's good to know it's there even if you don't
use it. Why do you think I got married?
Do you really think I need your mother?
I did it because I knew someday I'd
get old & tired. I had to have a place
where if I wanted to I could rest.

Hal Sirowitz: Freedom Means Nothing to Lose

When you knew your father was dying,
my therapist said, you thought if you
got married it'd please him. So
you got into some painful relationships.
You were ready to get married
until you got dropped. But now
that he's dead you're free. You don't
have to marry anyone. You can get
into painful relationships just for the hell of it.

Hal Sirowitz: Another Girlfriend Gone

A girlfriend doesn't break up with a guy,
Father said, for no reason. You must have
done something wrong. She had to have
a reason. Maybe she didn't like the way
you dress. I kept telling you to wear a jacket
& tie. I didn't even know her, but already
I'm taking her side, because I do know you.
I thought she might have been the one
you were going to marry. I was all ready
to welcome her into the family. I guess
I'll just have to welcome someone else.

Hal Sirowitz: Coping With Your Dad

It wouldn't be so bad if you were paying
some therapist, Father said, to help you cope
with your parents. But to make me pay
for someone to tell you how to give me
a tough time doesn't make any sense. I
can tell you how to do it. And I won't
charge you anything, because you're my son.
Never be afraid of me. I'm not that bad.
I now plenty of fathers who are much worse.
I might yell at you, but I'll never kick you
out of the house. I'm not your enemy.
I can't be. We have the same blood.

Hal Sirowitz: Don't Talk Back

There are two sides to every story,
Mother said, but since I'm the adult
& you're the child, only my side counts.
Yours will count, too, one of these days,
but right now your job is to listen,
so when it's your turn to be a parent
& your child tries to interrupt you
while you're speaking, you'll know what to say.

Hal Sirowitz: No Love Lost Between Them

Mothers don't like therapists,
my therapist said. If their child
is seeing one, then they're afraid
that they're getting criticized
for things they did fifteen years ago.
And I am very critical
of your mother, but never
to her face. You're the one
who keeps telling her what
I said. So I can understand
why she has to dislike me.

Hal Sirowitz: They All Have Boyfriends

If you ask a woman if she has
a boyfriend, my therapist said, she's
going to say yes, even if she doesn't
have one, because she doesn't want you
to think of her as a loner. and even if
she has more than one boyfriend, it's not
a waste of your time being with her,
because you need more practice talking
to women. All that time you spent
talking with your mother doesn't count.

Hal Sirowitz: Morzsák

Ne egyél többet a szobádban, mondta anyám.
Ha csak nem akarsz még több bogarat magadnak.
Akik pontosan az olyan alakok miatt szaporodnak,
mint amilyen te vagy. Egyébként éhen pusztulnának.
Különben is, kit akarsz boldoggá tenni,
egy maroknyi hangyát, vagy az anyádat?
Mit adhatnak ők neked, amit én nem?
Semmit, hiszen nincsenek érzéseik.
Csak megeszik a cukorkáidat. Mégis
jobban bánsz velük, mint ahogy velem.
Folyton eteted őket.
Ellenben nekem sose adsz semmit.

--Fordította: Zerza Béla Zoltán

Hal Sirowitz: Why There Are No More Miracles

God would perform miracles in the old days,
Father said, but nowadays if he set a bush
on fire, like he did for Moses, the fire department
would rush to put it out. The newspapers
would send our photographers. There’d be
an investigation. A reward would be given
to help find the arsonist. Some innocent person
would get blamed. God has enough people
believing in him. Why does He need
all that commotion for the sake of a few more?

Hal Sirowitz: Reusing Words

Don’t think you know everything,
Father said, just because you’re good
with words. They aren’t everything.
I try to say the smallest amount possible.
Instead of using them indiscriminately
I try to conserve them. I’m the only one
in this household who recycles them. I
say the same thing over & over again,
like “Who forgot to turn out the lights?
Who forgot to clean up after themselves
in the bathroom?” Since you don’t listen
I never have to think of other things to say.

Hal Sirowitz: The Joke That Got No Laughs

You should have enough courtesy
to laugh after I tell a joke, Father said,
even if you don’t find it funny.
You might find it funny later.
It’s like you’re giving me
your laughter in advance. You
shouldn’t be asking me to tell you
where the punch line was. It’s
always at the end & my joke
was no exception. I apologize if I
didn’t tell it as well as I had heard it.
Or maybe it was the audience
that was at fault. You just didn’t
get it. It might have been too low brow.
Maybe I should just find another family
to tell it to. I chose mine because
of the convenience. But I might have
done better if I had told it next door.

Hal Sirowitz: Fun, Fun, Fun When the Guy Goes Away

That’s a strange question to ask

a woman at a bar, she said. “Are 

you having fun?” If I wanted

to have fun I wouldn’t have come here.

This is a lot of work. I have

to decide which guy, out of

all the jerks here, has the potential

of becoming my future husband.

I mostly just have looks to go on,

since the conversation is usually

minimal—like the one we’re having now.

Hal Sirowitz: What Followed Your Birth

You might not like being reminded
of your birthday, Father said,
but your mother & I do. Your
birth was a happy occasion.
What followed was both good
& bad. That was to be expected,
but what we didn’t expect was
that you’d be the last of your friends
to get a job, which you still haven’t
gotten yet. It just took you longer
to get started. You had to go back
to school. That wouldn’t have been so bad
if you were learning something, but
after all these years to still not know
what you want for a present doesn’t
speak well for education.

Hal Sirowitz: Wedged

You were the one who followed me
into the elevator & asked
for my phone number, she said.
I didn't lead you on. In fact,
I tried discouraging you.
I told you I had lots of problems.
I was used to being alone. But now
that you've wedged yourself into my life,
don't think leaving me will be as smooth
as our first elevator ride. It'll be
like walking up a flight of stairs.

Hal Sirowitz: Sons

We're Jewish, Father said.
So we don't believe in Christ.
If God wanted us to worship Jesus
he would have arranged for us to be born
into an Italian family. I have nothing
against Him. He was probably a very nice man.
You have to give Him credit for trying.
A lot of people still believe He's the Son of God.
I don't know what He had against His real father.
But if you ever did that to me,
said you were someone else's son, I'd be insulted.