Ellen Bass: Failure

I looked like a woman. I’d begun
to bleed, something I’d wanted with a fervor,
like the fervor with which I burned
to kiss Earl Freeman, to smell his man sweat
and finger the hollow at his breastbone
when we lay in the hot sand in Atlantic City,
the white sky arched over us. I was in such a hurry
to grow up, my mother said. But I was innocent
in the sense of not yet guilty
as I lifted the spoonful of oatmeal
to my father’s lips
the day he came home from the hospital.
My mother had to go back to work—
Hy-Grade Wines and Liquors,
which paid for the brown Formica table and pink
refrigerator, pink dishwasher. We’d moved
from the apartment over the store
into a house with a front door.
I wanted people to ring the bell
and I’d answer it like on TV.
It didn’t seem like it would be too hard
to feed my father. I can do it,
I assured my mother.
I think I may see us there forever, my weak father
in pajamas, me holding
the spoon of thin oatmeal, lifting it
to his lips and the lips not
taking it, not really willing or
unwilling. So the gruel
slid back out again, dribbling
down his badly shaved chin and he
not doing anything to stop it. My father.
I left him there. This was my first
entrance into the land of failure, a country
I would visit so often
it would begin to feel like home.